Me, Me & More Me

I (as far as i'm concerned) have finished my bachelors, just awaiting some form of confirmation. Got a B- for my dissertation on social media and its effects on socialization. Not bad for a months work.

I went to Australia (Adelaide & Brisbane more specifically) recently. Met a lot of people I hold in the highest and closest regard. Had the time of my life.

And I had an interview with Timeout KL. I feel so out of my depth honestly, applying for a writing job when I can barely piece anything together. Lets hope it goes well. Hopefully i`ll make it to the second round, cause the first was good and I cant see any reason why I would get cut so fast.

Yesterday was May 3o..which means I've had my Vios for 7 years! The one love that hasn't let me down so far.

I suppose ill elaborate further eventually. Not sure when, but I will I hope..

And yes, if you've wondered (as if anyone is reading this) I've been in self-imposed exile. So if you've found yourself ignored by me, don't worry; just about everyone has. No hard feelings and sorry for being so blunt, but I would rather be on my own for a while and not have to explain myself like I always feel I have to.

But all in all, i`m fine, alive and kicking? Whatever it is, its not a football i've kicked; haven`t played in so long I may have forgotten how to play :/

The Song For The Time I Wish To Forget

Past the road to your house
That you never called home
Where they turned out your lights
Though they say you'll never know

I remember running through the wet grass
Falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

When they pumped out your guts
And filled you full of those pills
You were never quite right
Deserving all the chills
They say the worst is over
Kicked it over and ran
Then they ask what went wrong
When they turn you on again
They turn you on again.

I remember running through the wet grass
Falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

I remember running through the wet grass
Falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

Kick them right in the face
Make them wish they weren't born
And if they bring up your name
Well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world
Never given a chance
Then they ask what went wrong
When you never had it right

I remember running through the wet grass
Falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

I remember running through the wet grass
Falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

Oh the letters have dropped off
Though they say you got them all
I finally figured out some things you'll never know.
Take back your life and let me inside
We'll find the door if you care to anymore.

I remember running through the wet grass
Falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

I remember running through the wet grass
And falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

Better Than Ezra - 'Desperately Wanting'

The Power Of Anger

I dont know how to describe how I feel. I feel...screwed over. I mean seriously? There was no way things were ever going to be normal again, specially not after this.

50% of the time I can't understand people and I cant believe them half the other time.

This is crazy. This week has been. I am going crazy. But I hope this ends for good.

All this anger in me..I feel like I could snap any moment, who knows, do something stupid for once. Maybe instead of regretting it, I wouldnt. But nah its not me and now would be a time for a drastic personality alteration.

Im just going to use all this anger to get me through. So far its working. Even if not, its keeping my mind occupied, shielded. And its better than nothing.

On What Being 22 Was

With every passing second I may age even the slightest, but within the hour I age a year more on a piece of paper. Its 22 going on 23 for me.

What was being 22 like? Apart from certain ages like 13,17 etc where something usually big happens to you, being 22 was no different than any other. Theres no real set standard thing that happens to 22 year olds. Maybe finishing college or still being in it or even so starting work but its vague at that time so I dont think there's any major event I missed out on.

If anything, I think a person's age is defined by what they did. Everyone may achieve the same things but at a different age. Some younger, older..it varies but I swear there is no standard age for anything.

So what have I done?

I finally got myself a sports medal in college! As everyone knows over the years ive done basically everything in college..perform on stage with a band, dance and act. Ive been a student council person in foundation, 1st president for Bcomm, acting vice for Adp, was a prom king in 2008. I organized events like my life depended on it. But I never got a sporting achievement but I finally did. Field football, Help Sports Carnival, Bcomm was 3rd. Its not a winners medal but its something. I havent said much about it, but it means so much to me. But its my teammates who got it for me honestly, and to the rest of you, thanks..thanks so much.

I got myself out of that student council organizing stuff limbo..I was president for Bcomm..but I was pretty useless I must admit and the elections which basically unofficially 'fired' me was the best thing ever perhaps. It was fun, but I was outgrowing it and I just didnt have it in me anymore. I learnt so much, but my time had come.

I did some travelling. Well not really. Well kinda. Went to Perth for the first time. Nice quaint city. Very pretty but a little too quiet for me but it was great. Specially watching Australia and New Zealand Tri Nations in a bar full of Aussies. Great time talking to of them..really wonderful ppl too. Good food as well around.

And I guess the main highlight was that I got myself into a serious relationship. Surprise surprise eh. The notoriously picky me found someone who met my standards. A really wonderful person too. I learnt alot from it and yes I was happy. I guess thats all that matters eh. Its so clichéd, but the saying "The greatest thing is to love and be loved in returned" really is true.

Apart from that I got myself into better shape. Found out the problem with my back though im no nearer to the end of it. Ate and drank healthier too. Could do more but at my age i reckon im doing more than most.

I went thru my final throws of college. Not yet done but im almost there. Slowly friends left..overseas..completed..disappeared..so I guess that was the sad bit..but I met alot of new people. All very warm people whom I am so glad to know. Not only that, I got to know people whom I had known, but barely, alot better. Some are even my closest friends now and that is one my highlights.

I guess in summary thats all thats happened to me at the age of 22. There was more stuff as well..drama specially but ill leave that out but yes I still thrive on it.

I think maybe I could have done more but then again im rather pleased with what I did. After years of turmoil and general hectic-ness, a quiet settled down type of year was just what I needed. Finally was able to spare myself all the time I never had before.

But yes, there's many things I wish I could change..but sometimes circumstances around cant be helped and all you do is just embrace what comes your way and make the most of it. My faith has increased. Not much but im making some progress which is good and im thankful for that.

And so turning 23..I complete college and graduate soon, gotta start working. Maybe fix that back first. Etc. Its going to be a hectic time ahead..a really uncertain one as well. No clue what will happen. But I will try my best to take it in my stride. And if I cant I know there's people out there who care for me that will help me along the way.

Thank you everyone out there for making my 22th year of existence, something special to remember. A toast to the 23rd year being nothing less than that.

Riz.

The Year That Was 2010

Its been..a relatively uneventful year I suppose.

It was mixed but then again every year is, in it's own way. But you could say alot happened. Friends and friendships have come and gone and changed, relationships, drama, that sort of stuff has happened.

But through it all ive been thankful for everything ive had.

I'd love to say more but ive got to go.

Til then,

Happy New Year everyone! I love you all!

I Dont Know But I Think Maybe

I was browsing through some blogs of my friends, particularly those whom I haven't had much contact with since high school.

Compared to most of them, my blog long outlasted theirs. In fact most of theirs died circa high school. Clicked on some links to blogs I used to read. People whom I used to envy, maybe wished I was, that sort. Needless to say, they've all moved on too, to where I dont know.

Then it struck me. Although most of my blogging life has been spent outside high school, the time most spent on it, was back then. All those countless late nights blogging, html editing, reading other ones. The iconic, memorable times, all back then.

And so I figured perhaps my lack of faith these days here is proly some subconscious way to slowly detach myself from that part of my life. Not that anything bad happened, but I don't forget things easily and I still dwell on things that I shouldn't, pretty frequently.

I guess its just my way of slowly 'letting go'..

And somehow I dont know whether a new blog would make me feel any better or give me that 'fresh start' feeling. I really dont think so.

Between lettings go and promising myself I wouldn't let this die, like how many others have, I just dont know.

In the midst of all this however, my iTunes is playing. And its playing songs which have certain meanings attached to them from that time. In order too. Its almost reading my mind. Feeling poignant.

And as I struggle to figure out how relevant this is in my life anymore, I fear it may be a long time before I figure the answer out; that is if I ever do. But between ever and anon, then this could be an end.

And I hope this isn't.

Hello, Hello

I miss someone. If only the next 10 days or so would come and go faster.

6 Years & No 31st

So I missed out on May's edition of pint sized ice cream at 31% off again. I didn't mind last year; I was in Penang, eating and being merry as a friend got married.

This time I...am siting at home sighing on how my fortunes are just getting worse. Shrug, maybe Ill go have ice cream in a lesser form on Wednesday with the Md gang. Really miss them.

And in other news, my Vios has hit its unofficial 6th birthday! Its been so good to me over the year and I hope it continues to be so. We've been through so many momentous things together, that it would suck the day that ceases..

And to make things funnier, my mom drove it in the morning fine. Then I did later. Fine. Then my dad used it to run errands, the battery died on him and he got stuck somewhere. Hahahaha thats kinda funny. And I even gave it a rare because-its-a-special-day wash myself!

Its even funnier cause usually you can tell when a battery is about to die. This one was rather abrupt. Oh well, thanks for saving me the trouble of it happening to me dad :D .

In other news, my life still sucks, but posting something again after a months absence feels rather..good. May post more in the coming days I hope. Til then, bon nuit everyone.

Hanging By A Moment

One year on,

And i'm still waiting for an answer

A sign or something

But nevertheless,

I'm still here waiting,

For something which may not ever come.

This sucks. Seriously. Sigh such is my life.

Happy March 31st

Im so bad at blogging these days but I shall post once in a while til I perhaps get my mojo back.

Til then,

Happy March 31st people. Dont ask me whats so special about March 31st though. Id rather keep it to myself.

21 For The Last Time

I'm in my last 30 minutes of being 21 as I type this and I dont really know what to feel. It hasn't really struck me that i'm turning a year older. After all, this is the 22nd time that this will happen so I guess it wears off after a while. But then age consciousness does seem to kick in and well after a while its no more fun and joy. Its kinda sad how when your young your happy your birthday comes because that means a party with your friends and of course, presents from everyone. At this age..anything special is perhaps out of hope and no longer expectation.

They say that 21 is the age where one 'comes of age'. After all, it is the true 'legal age', where one can do so many things and no longer be consider juvenile and so on. And I guess it is true. For me perhaps it really wasnt about being able to elope or legally enter a club (I still cant enter Zouk anyway), but it was about growing up.

When I turned 21 I was in a phase in my life where I guess I was taking things as they come and no real aim. But events throughout the course of the 1 year has changed me; its changed my perspective on life and the way I view things. Its good that ive 'grown up', or at least hope that I have. But then whos to judge what growing up is anyway? Sure every year brings something happy : 19 was my party-ish year, 20 was just floating around in between that and mellowing, 21 really has been about maturing.

I wouldn't say im fully mature. I dont think things properly sometimes, im still careless, still unenterprising as ever unless something fun is involved. But if anything, ive learned about setting a mark, of what I want to do, where I want to be in the future. Im still not sure but today I have an idea what they may be and I can tell if I am veering towards it or not.

21 has been a year of change. More friends, specially those close to me leaving for newer pastures, not being as socially active as before, treasuring intimate company more than ever and those little things which eventually become so big. Its also been a year of learning. Ive learned to how to be a better leader, get a clearer picture of the outside world, that I need to thing of the future a little more.

It really was an up and down year. Nothing ever seen always up. It was always something up and something down. Lovelife up, personal life down, life excitement up, lovelife down and so on. While I wonder where I went wrong at whatever ive done, I do believe that things happen for a reason and as much as I question them, I do accept them, even if grudgingly.

Throughout this time, I havent met too many new people, but ive met some very interesting ones and mainly, gotten to know better those whom I really didn't know and I think of all the things thats happened to me, aside from growing up, this is the best thing.

If anything ive learned lately is that while one should have some expectations about themselves, perhaps they shouldn't hold to it all the time, because they just never stick accordingly. And with that I wont hold any big major hopes or dreams about being 22. I`ll embrace it and adjust to it, but I won't hope for something which I wont get and leave myself open to disappointment. As if I don't have enough of that.

And so I end this here, with 10 minutes to spare. Im gonna eat..Its been a long day..Going to Karen's at midnight for stuff, class at 8..rumoured quiz not materializing, breakfast at Nirwana, lunch at the happy place with Christine, Eka, Jeremy, Leconte & Aaron, shooting zombies and seeing Tinesh off to Gold Coast at the airport..At least I have some buffalo wings waiting!

So til then, thank you everyone for enriching my 21st year of existence. I can only hope I have done anything remotely close for you! Thanks and bring on the double 2, baby!

January & A Finale

1. Its been the most unhealthiest January ever..when its done I shall document what ive eaten..less than 11 hours to continue the trend..
2. I got a twitter account :-O! @frownprince :P
3. So many people have left already..Ernest, Denise, Bryan, Jie Hwa, Qing Han, Sean..many more to come soon..sigh..
4. My Kl streak is still going on! Every week since sometime in July! Havent done so for this week! I have less than 11 hours to make it there!
5. I have a new bed *snooze*
6. I turn 22 in less than a month. Sigh.

I need to run now! Glory glory Man United (tonight)!

MMIX/2009

As you`ll have seen from the title, im here to say something about what in 4.5 hours, was the year that was 2009.

I came into the year with generally high hopes..maybe it was sparked from something else apart, but riding that wave worked just as well for me and it sure brought me for a ride.

It brought me to places I never expected to go, doors I never expected to enter, meet people I wouldnt have hoped to meet, known people better than previously and so much more.

While I do sound generally optimistic here, I must admit the above was juggled very finely with other stuff...disappointments, personal turmoil, uncertainty..despondency..its been dramatic to say the least.

I guess people who know me well enough know how I live my life..I either bother to live it up and fast or just not bother..but im sorta coming to a middle ground. Unlike other years, its been..tiring..too tiring really. Ive spent the last 2 months living it slow but even then I dont think im ready to step it up another notch.

This years flown so by. In fact every just flies by faster and faster. If this year has gone just like this, I cant imagine how 2010 will go. I hope its not so fast..or even worse painfully slow and excruciating.

I`ll always remember early this year like it was yesterday. Countless hours in college, 5 subjects, numerous plates of fried rice eaten, never ending rounds of cards and the people around me most importantly. I wont say names but I think they`ll know if im referring to them for sure.

Like I said earlier, I dont feel like myself anymore. Ive kinda gone moody now, needing a spark to ignite the compelling side in me. I feel apathetic at best now. I guess perhaps thats not the worst thing in the world. Perhaps lesser expectations for the coming year..and in some sense, an open tone to the new decade.

But hey its been a good year..made new friends, voyages to new places, learned to love my city more, relationships, finding lots of good music, improved my studies, better health, coming up with tentatively feasible plans for the future, technological advancements, learning new things, reading again and everything else my rather charmed life has brought.

But at the same time, bouts of depression, bad days, mood swings, losing more friends to newer pastures, relationship issues..that sorta stuff has kinda put a damper on the year. Overall, its been mixed at best.

To make things worse, I never really blogged much or even listed anything I did. Ive had plans for the last 7 months to update some stuff but nothings happened and probably wont. So I guess its time to stop promising that I will update. I guess im past that stage about telling what I do and moving on to what I feel.

Its been a year..for growing up and maturing. It came so sudden; those smacks in the face, kicks in the teeth, shots to the foot..all that. I can at least say theres been some people to metaphorically hold my hand through it all and perhaps more realistically held my head. But it was all bound to happen and its good that it did during this year..as difficult as it was to deal with. At least ive re-found another side of myself which I thought was gone..

I dont know what the biggest lesson ive learned this year is yet. Perhaps its resiliency; or being able to solve your own problems without taking other too for granted. Self realizations have become more important than I thought..maybe thats it.

I guess this what they call growing pains.

New years resolutions? Not really but some stability would be nice..

Til then, I would love to thank everyone for being a part of my life til today, whether it was in the past or this year and for the good or the bad. Without all of you, I dont think id be half the person I am today. Maybe one of my failings is to tell this to people enough. I love all of you, in some funny way or another.

So Happy New Year 2010 & a happy start of a new decade. May the new year/decade bring new opportunities, better changes and happiness.

I`ll be out somewhere tonight. Not sure where, but call me anytime, and you`ll find me where.

Now What?

Its been a while and yes, I am alive. It may have taken a while for me to muster up any effort to confirm this, but at least..at least I have..

So how am I?

I don't know honestly..my life lately specially..or well lets make that the whole year, has been..rather topsy turvy..upside down, 360, yeah you name it, all that.

Whether the next statement is for better or worse I am unsure and will likely never be sure, but one things for sure,

I don't feel the same anymore.

A Flower Told Me :

"I dont care if your fine or not, go get some rest!"

Such a sweetheart.